Kevin Baldeosingh
There are many advantages to being an intellectual in Trinidad and Tobago, but the main one is that hardly anyone will want to have sex with you. Not only will this reduce your risk of contracting an STD, but you can spend your disposable income on books and have time to read them.
Of course, it’s an old debate as to whether reading is more enjoyable than sex. The Catholic theologian St Augustine in his book Next To Tunapuna argued that reading was better, asking, “Hath any man ever buried his nose in a book and regreteth the smell?” The Romantic philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau considered a bad woman better than a good book, unless the book was by Jean-Jacques Rousseau. But it was only in the 20th century that the American publisher Hugh Hefner created a magazine with both articles and naked women, hence allowing men to read while having sex or, if they preferred, to have sex while reading.
But, as with so many other issues, much depends on the person you are having sex with compared to the book you might be reading instead. The Stand by Stephen King is probably more enjoyable than most men and, at 1138 pages, takes a lot longer to finish. On the other hand, if the woman is porn star Amy Brooke, even The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy might remain unperused.
It should also be noted that there are many Trinidadians who think the greatest pleasure in life is neither sex nor reading but eating doubles, though only with slight pepper. This is why all Trini intellectuals should be prepared to grapple with the deepest questions facing our society: is T20 better than Test; is it more effective to kill yourself with gramoxone or police; chicken roti or KFC?
Clearly, these are not issues which are easily resolved. Even so, it is safe to say that the life of a T&T intellectual is better than that of the average agouti. For instance, one obvious advantage Trini intellectuals have over other fauna is that they don’t have to use evidence when making arguments. Indeed, if you are an intellectual who wants your opinions to be respected by people who serve jumbo shrimp at cocktail parties, evidence is actually a disadvantage. When the late Arthur N. R. Robinson used to invite artist Leroy Clarke and novelist Earl Lovelace over for dinner, there was always enough jumbo shrimp to pelt when discussions got heated about whether Africans were enslaved or slaves.
Given this, it is quite easy for Trini intellectuals to support socialist policies such as URP, GATE and puncheon rum. All you need to do is ignore Economics and History and, paradoxical though it may seem, for a Trinidadian intellectual such ignorance becomes even easier if they have a BSc in Economics and a PhD in Cultural History, once those degrees are from UWI. Moreover, if anyone ever criticises Freud or Foucault or feminism, a Trini intellectual can refute the criticism by point out that the critic doesn’t have a PhD, even if having one would make absolutely no difference to the intellectual’s opinion, and even if the critic supports his views by citing professional academics who research real topics.
Indeed, the ad hominem rebuttal is the hallmark of the true Trini intellectual, giving him and her an iron-clad advantage over anyone who wants to use reasoned argument. No true Trini uses facts and figures to support their opinions, since facts and figures can be challenged whereas invective cannot. Thus, it is more effective to say that anyone who disagrees with your views is angry, arrogant, and straight-haired. In this regard, you should never make any distinction between a person who attacks ideas and beliefs rather than the people who hold such ideas and beliefs. Instead, accuse them of being bigots, because this approach has the additional advantage of deflecting attention from the narrow-mindedness and lack of principle which are hallmarks of the Trini intellectual.
This approach is particularly useful when making assertions that would be contradicted by empirical data, such as: human trafficking is a major business in T&T; or women are disadvantaged compared to men; or colon cleansing. Instead, all you need to do is assert that this is the case, using words like “unimaginable”, “neo-liberal” and “intersectionalities”.
Not only will these terms guarantee respect among the local intelligentsia but, more importantly, you can eat all the shrimp you want without being described as lickerish. After all, intellectuals aren’t expected to have any interest in superficial issues like diet, attractiveness, or BO.
• Kevin Baldeosingh is a professional writer, author of three novels, and co-author of a Caribbean history textbook.
