Kevin Baldeosingh
In rumshops throughout the region, the recent success of the West Indies men’s and women’s cricket teams has stimulated much discussion and urination. An especially thought-provoking contribution comes from eminent commentator Professor Laughingly Beckons in the Journal of Sports Epistemology, the standby magazine of restrooms everywhere, which has drawn insightful feedback from members of the cricket-loving public.
ISSUE #42, April 2016: The cow shot of WI Captain Darren Sammy sends a clear message about British culpability for reparations, premised not on need, but on the ontological claim of shin pads for dispossessed Africans. When Chris Gayle is unfazed by a bouncer, does this not reveal the intestinal fortitude that is a legacy of the Middle Passage? Bravo often refuses to bat on the backfoot, even when it might be profitable to do so, revealing his rejection of capitalism and its handmaiden, running shoes.
Indeed, cricket philosophers have long held that square leg as an expression of Idealism has been used by the West Indies cricket team as a neo-Platonic critique of the Washington Consensus which, as everyone knows, likes baseball. Silly mid-on concomitantly becomes an assertion of Absurdity, albeit Sartrean rather than Kafkaesque.
Similarly, Sammy’s criticism of the West Indies Cricket Board, premised on a post-colonial interpretation of Keynesian economics, has forced the WICB to confront its solipsistic approach to management, including mango chow. In this context, whether bird pepper is mandatory or pimento a legitimate alternative remains problematic. Some regionalists would argue that Moruga scorpion pepper would be the mot juste, but I query whether this is viable in the absence of a Federation.
Clearly, the eschatology of Duckworth-Lewis holds sway, but is this Fate or do we have the free will to voop?
The Editor: While I fully support Professor Beckons’ call for reparations, his omission of Marx’s labour theory of value demonstrates the futility of reparations without revolution. Surely, the two go hand in cricket glove, which is manufactured in the capitalist countries, even if outsourced to China. In this context, his swipe at baseball, while heuristically deft, ignores the Cuban model which points the way forward for the Caribbean Revolution.
Fuzzy Smallwick
The Editor:
I must say that I was surprised and not a little disappointed that, in his otherwise excellent polemic, Professor Beckons did not reference the WI women’s team, especially in respect to women’s contribution to pepper sauce. While the patriarchal hegemony has always favoured whole peppers (hence the heterosexist domination of curry duck at river limes) pepper sauce has been typically feminist both in its liquidity and bottling. Indeed, intersectional theory holds that men sideline pepper sauce out of resentment of the crushing of the phallic capsicum, especially bell.
Mentis Moll (Ms)
The Editor:
Professor Beckons’ argument posits, albeit tacitly, that West Indies cricket is free of the halting problem proven by Godel’s Incompleteness Theorem. While the WICB might try to use Hilbert spaces to bypass this limit, the real challenge is to ensure that the team strives for F (n + 1)/F (n), obviously without cholesterol.
Dr Last Noel
The Editor:
Professor Beckons’ Hegelian interpretation of history—or, as he would put it, History—is usefully epiphenomenal, but ignores the stellar example of Haiti’s early independence in the heyday of chattel slavery. Surely Toussaint’s 18th century glovesmanship on the stickiest of wickets puts forward the possibility, two centuries later, inherent in Sammy’s forward defence, which might be better described as humgrumshious. It is reasonable to query if Professor Beckons would turn up his nose at a woman whose cranial capacity challenges his own, even if she agrees to dress like a nurse.
Lately Brahmin
Professor Beckons replies: My thanks to all who took the time to respond to my little monograph. Mr Smallwick’s argument linking reparations and revolution has merit, though I would argue that Castro retained baseball primarily for propagandistic purposes, despite the shape of the bat which apparently makes Mr Smallwick envious. I sincerely apologise to Ms Moll for my lack of exegesis on the women’s team, but she can rest assured that I fully appreciate women’s contribution, as she will glean from my 1992 paper “Hot hot hot: Pepper Sauce Problematique in Gender Praxis”, in which I also interrogate racial bias against black pepper. Dr Noel’s suggestion is logical but, I would argue, impractical—a more effective formula, I suggest, is (a + b )2. As for Lately Brahmin’s take on History and crude conduct, she should bear in mind that there are still people who recall her former nose.
Email: kevin.baldeosingh@zoho.com
Kevin Baldeosingh is a professional writer, author of three novels, and co-author of a Caribbean history textbook.
